I seem to have left my pride at pride
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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