I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
