My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
