Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
