You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
