ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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