Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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