This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
