Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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