I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
