your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I want to have your abortion
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
