Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Randomize
