Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
