Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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