I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
