There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
