I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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