I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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