Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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