you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
