I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
