I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
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