M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
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you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
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He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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