FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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