i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
