Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
