I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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