how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Mom said you looked used
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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