I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
