I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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