I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
