totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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