i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm sobbing to NWA
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
