literally had 100 drinks last night.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
