i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
