I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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