I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
