I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Randomize
