It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
