So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
