seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
