so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Success! We fucked roommates!
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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