Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
