Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
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