FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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