I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
