I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
