Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i barfeds in our rink
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
