when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
you had me at cake vodka
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
