woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
