You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
