We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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