i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
