i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
