he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
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i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
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Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.