I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet