one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
