areolas are like halos for boobs.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
