apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
