I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
