I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
