Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
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I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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